Wow. I guess the Sox sucked all the good karma in Chi-town. Quite the pounding Manny and the boys put on the North Enders. Me, well, my cable-less ass watched 2nd-4th innings in the Cardinal Bar, on 38th and Hiawatha Ave, in Minneapolis. Why the Cardinal? My son had soccer practice at the V.A. Medical Center and the Cardinal is not TOO far from there; and I was feeling nostalgic. I went there once before, about 15 years ago, with Kolin Knudson--one of my buddies from the St. Cloud State days. I remember putting a few beers down there before we went over to Tiff's on Ford Pkwy. I have no idea why we stopped at the Cardinal. If I remember right, we wanted to have a pretty good buzz on before we tried to pick up the uppity St. Thomas chicks at Tiff's. Which is stupid logic considering that nearly every chick at Tiff's is under 21, drunk, and not exactly a challenge. Unless of course you were me, or hanging out with me, in which case you had a zero chance of hooking up with any Tommy ladies. That's why I had to enroll there, and end up marrying one.
Where the hell was I? Oh yeah, the Cardinal. This place is a beauty. You're in Minneapolis but you might as well be in Danbury, Wisconsin. We're talking Meat Raffles (which are also prevalent throughout the East Side of St. Paul), thick accents and crappy-ass juke box music. Three times I had to shoo away the meat raffle lady. The raffle, btw, landed on '9' twice. The locals bitched about it too: "That's awfully fishy!" Thankfully, the 3rd spin of the meat raffle landed on 27 (no one pointed out that it was divisible by 9!!)
So the game's on, the Bar is blasting the audio so you can hear the play-by-play....PERFECT! But wait, some 25--going on 45--year old lady is approaching the juke box...NOOOOO!
OH YEAH, and her selections? They were as follows:
Song#1 Bon Jovi--I'll be there for you (Are you FU_king kidding me?! Who likes, much less plays bon jovi? And of all the Jovi tunes to play....PUH-LEEEEEEEEEEEZE!!! I didn't feel so bad when, in the 2nd God-Forbidden stanza, Mark DeRosa hit a 2 run homer; it would be the Cubs only runs.)
Song#2 Patsy Cline--Crazy (About 10 million levels better than bon jizzi. I was feeling a bit more optimistic of the possible subsequent tunes upon hearing this. I was grossly mistaken.)
Song#3 Phil Collins--In the Air Tonight (Why?! Why do you play songs that you liked in 7th grade, when all you knew, and listened to, was KQRS? MOVE THE FUCK ON!!!! I swear I heard this lady tell her impressed friends: "He wrote this after he watched some guy kill a dude; and THEN...he played it years later with the murderer in the crowd!" "NO WAYYYYY!!!" was the response. Too bad the Cardinal Bar bans guns on the premises.)
And the Coup de Gras? Song#4 Dolly Parton & the Gambler--Islands in the Stream
The worst part, of course, is when the song is over you start humming the satanic verses that make up this most evil tune. I'm sure that Islands is some sort of perverted sexual innuendo.
Listen for yourself, as I have done you the favor of attaching the video, below. You're welcome.
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3 comments:
Admitting you were actually a patron at Tiff's is punishable by strapping you to a chair and forcing you to listen to Bon Jovi's recent pop-rock ballads...on repeat, of course. You're not getting "Livin' on a Prayer," "Wanted Dead or Alive," or that Young Guns II song no matter how much you beg! None of the good stuff for you!!! Um, you failed to note that you met and married one of about five cool females at that institution. The rest were vapid, sexless, money-grubbing, status-climbers looking for the next hedge fund manager. That said, my bitterness for my poor decision-making and choice-of-institution really shouldn't sh*t-stain everything.
Long live the fatty Morans and Sam Adams in the workplace!!!
How dare you deny me that Young Guns II, tune. YOU BASTARD--carboneria....if that is your real blogger name, er, or fuu...nevermind. You know pop-rock ballads await us when we show up at hell's doorstep. Only they'll be sung, karoake style, by Sarah Palin.
Do hedge fund managers really come out of St. Thomas? Did I miss a memo somewhere?
I'm surprised the bartender didn't leap across the bar and tackle the gal trying to play the jukebox during the ball game, like John Cusack in is day-dream sequence in High Fidelity. Would have been justified.
I have a special hatred for I'll Be There For You, b/c I had to hold a cane above my head for 45 minutes while that god forsaken song played on repeat during my high school's prom in 1989 (I wasn't "attending" the prom, I was an honor guard, a role that is apparently meted out as apparently some sort of punishment for arriving at puberty late).
Anyhow, good stuff here. Keep it up. Godspeed you, black emperor!
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