¿Hablas Español?

This is probably one those stories that is funnier when given in the oral fashion, but here goes. Just this morning I was enjoying some alone time while my wife, Mary, took our daughter to her weekly swimming lesson, and the two boys were out playing in the rain and mud. I had just returned from the local convenient store with my Saturday Pioneer Press when two well dressed Latino looking dudes showed up on my door step.

Now, when two well dressed gentlemen show up on your door step, you can bet your sweet religious ass that they are going to be pawning off their Christian beliefs in hopes of converting you from your present religious state of affairs.

However, when I first fixed my eyes on these Hispanic gentlemen I was hopeful that their visit would be free of religious overtones and messages. I mean, c’mon, how often do you see Mexican Mormons, or Oaxacan Jehovahs? Foolish, foolish BigZam.

Well, the conversation went as follows: (OMD=Older Mexican Dude, YMD=Younger Mexican Dude, BigZam=Me.)

BigZam walks down the stairs as his son runs out the door and steps on the foot of YMD.

BigZam: Hello?

OMD (half-smiling): Yes, um, do you speak Spanish?

BigZam: Well, un poquito. My old man is from Chihuahua, but he wasn’t around much…

YMD: (smiling like he’s just smoked half-a-bag of Acapulco Gold)

OMD: (interrupts BigZam) we have your name and address down as being Hispanic…

YMD: (still smiling)

BigZam: That’s because I am, Zamacona is Hispanic, it’s just that I haven’t, well I took a semester of it at St. Cloud State, but that was a long time ago and even then I…

YMD: (still smiling)

OMD: We are having a church service, but it is in Spanish. Have you heard of Jesus Christ?

BigZam: Ummm, let me see…the name REALLY sounds familiar….Yeah, I’ve heard rumors of some Jesus Christ guy.

YMD: (still smiling)

OMD: He’s the Son of God?

BigZam: THAT’s right! I knew I heard of him: ….the Son of God. Great!!!

OMD: But the service is in Spanish

BigZam: Darn it!

YMD: (still smiling (what I wouldn’t give to have whatever he’s been inhaling))

OMD: Do you know anyone else on this block who speaks Spanish?

BigZam: On THIS block? I reeeeeally doubt it. Lo Siento (“I’m sorry.” Aren’t you impressed with BigZam’s Español?)

OMD: Eeees O.K. Good Bye.

BigZam: Adiós! Muchas Gracias!

OMD and the YMD, who has now been labeled as the Mexican Jeff Spicoli, walk away.

I've Been Duped!!!!

What seems like many years now, we in the Midwest have been subjected to many nauseating, but embarrassingly humorous TV ads by our favorite recreational product pushers, Watson’s. You know the slogan: “That’s Watsons!” We’ve laughed and cried at all the hideous outfits and roller coaster weight control exhibited by the Watson’s Babe. We’ve cringed and cried at the over-tanned dude and often pondered whether or not he is married to, or sleeping with, his vivacious counterpart and is, in fact, the cause of her fluctuating mass. Throughout this we have taken some comfort in the fact that they are our own, small-time, Midwestern, homegrown hams.

Bogus Bastards!! On my recent trip to Memphis, Tennessee, I was shocked and horrified while watching television when I saw you-know-who, doing what I thought they only did in my proverbial backyard. No longer will I feel sorry for these two spurious sluts, nor will I mull over their life away from the camera lights and carcinogenic sun-tanning lamps.

Oh, and here's a link to find a bit more info about this sham of all shams. Apparently, many have been duped into believing that these two are just a couple of small town rubes. Watson's Girl

Rising from the Graves

I love this Graves kid, from Butler, and I am praying to the College Hoop Gods that they beat Florida; but this Graves dude looks like something out of MY GOD THESE REFS SUCK!!! I just saw a Florida player back up with the ball, trying to post-up, nearly knocking over his defender, and they call a foul on the Butler defender…..PATHETIC!!!!!

Where was I, oh yeah, Graves from Butler: he looks like death swarmed over. Seriously, if we ever could have seen Herman Munster’s kid grow up to play Basketball for Butler, he would have looked exactly like this dude. The fact that his name is Graves…..

DAMN, BUTLER’S HANGING TOUGH!!!! And these announcers: “Florida’s used to games like this……Florida’s players have gigantic testicles….. Billy Donovan walked on water last night…” ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! Rumor has it: Florida won the national championship last year. ANTHER SOFT CALL GOES AGAINST THE BULLDOGS OF BUTLER!!! Where’s my Ritalin?

BIG THREE FROM GRAVES!!!!! PUT THE ZOLOFT ON ICE, BITCHES!!!!!

Thad Matta pulls giant rabbit’s foot out of ass; BigZam makes slight adjustment to left testicle, while wearing 1998 Christmas boxer shorts.

Seriously people, Mr. Matta can recruit like hell, but he manages games like I play the guitar: woeful.

OSU has the best big-man and the best pure shooter in all of college basketball, yet, somehow, the Luck-Eyes manage to fall apart in every game in which they play a team with any spirit and/or guts.

Tubby-Hubby. When I first heard the news of this hiring, I cringed; the same way I cringed when Steven Cosser announced to our 7th grade Music teacher, Mrs. Reichel, that he wanted her to have his baby. After all, if you can’t recruit National Champions at Kentucky, how the H-E-double-Joe Mauer-Hamstrings are you gonna recruit at the U of Misery?

However, the more I thought about it, the more I came around to liking the idea of re-treading the coach with the worst nickname in all of Jenny Craig Nation. Tubby’s a winner, period. He won at Tulsa, Georgia, and Kentubby. TUBBYLICIOUS!!! (hmm, for some reason the spellchecker is ignoring ‘tubbylicious.’ Consider it a good omen.)

Frankly, it doesn’t matter where you coach: no matter how deep the tradition, no matter how many hookers your Lacrosse team feels up: today’s kids could care less. They want to play for a guy they can trust, and for a program that’ll get ‘em to the Big Dance. The classy Tubby can provide both in the over-exposed and overrated Big 10.

Tubby-Nation T-Shirts anyone?